Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Coyote Menace: America's Greatest Threat
It is easy to ignore a problem; it is harder to acknowledge one; and it is much harder to overcome one. Without question, the planet we live on faces a growing number of problems with each passing day. Nevertheless, even the most daunting issues threatening life on our planet − global warming, dwindling fossil fuels, war between nations − have solutions. For example, global warming can be reduced by decreasing pollutants released into the atmosphere. Fossil fuels can be replaced by using alternate energy sources, such as hydrogen cells and solar power. War can be resolved through peaceful negotiations. However, the most imperative problem endangering our planet is one that has no solution: the coyote menace.
Tricksters. That is the name given to the coyote spirit in Native American lore. Many moon cycles ago, our ancestors realized the looming threat coyotes posed on humanity. Despite their wisdom and understanding of the spirit world, however, the countless tribes that inhabited North and South America for millennia were powerless against the indomitable coyote. Since then, civilization has experienced significant progress and mankind has learned to harness electricity and fly across the heavens. Unfortunately, humanity has yet to find a viable solution to the threat posed by the coyote menace. Although the human race remains incapable of preventing the spread of coyote dominance across the globe, modern science has accumulated crucial information on its elusive adversary.
Coyotes look like dirty dogs and eat cats and little kids and dim sung. Biologists have confirmed that they are fluent in hundreds of languages, including Portuguese, Mandarin, Latin, Hebrew, Ket. Due to their vast intelligence, they have learned to manipulate the magnetic field, rendering all weapons composed of metal alloys useless against them. Coyotes have infiltrated several bodies of government and it has recently been confirmed that there are currently seven of them seated in the British Parliament. But many of them you probably wouldn’t even notice as a result of the sophisticated holographic cloaking devices used to disguise their appearance. NASA satellites have shown signs that coyotes are not only capable of traveling through space, but also have colonies on other planets. Most recently, sports journalists have unearthed Muhammad Ali’s birth certificate which confirms that he is a coyote.
The coyote menace kills without mercy, makes love without inhibition, and dies without regret. Although global leaders refuse to accept the fact that humans are an inferior life form, the scientific community acknowledges that coyotes are superior to humans in nearly every conceivable way. Even though humanity is already facing several critical problems − global warming, dwindling fossil fuels, and war between nations − they may not have an impact on the planet for another fifty years. On the other hand, coyotes threaten to have a catastrophic impact on the planet tomorrow. Certainly the dinosaurs did not see the threat coyotes posed, but they certainly felt it when they were obliterated from the face of the earth. In order for human culture to endure for future generations, a solution to the coyote menace needs to be our top priority and survival our most important concern.